• Posted September 9, 2024

Moms, Don't Meddle With Your Kids' Friends: It'll Only Make Things Worse

Meddling moms who try to prohibit their kids’ friendships with troublemakers will only make things worse, a new study says.

Limiting contact with a friend who appears to be a bad influence tends to exacerbate the behavior problems parents were hoping to head off, researchers reported recently in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry.

Instead, kids will typically begin acting out, after being shunned by any friend who's hurt or angered by a mom’s disapproval, researchers said.

“Social opportunities are likely to wither as peers avoid affiliating with someone who is depicted as uncool,” explained researcher Brett Laursen, a professor of psychology at Florida Atlantic University.

For the study, researchers tracked 292 boys and 270 girls ages 9 to 14 during the course of a school year.

The students completed surveys at the beginning, middle and end of the year in which they reported whether they were liked or disliked by classmates.

The kids also rated each others’ disruptiveness in the classroom and provided personal reports of conduct problems, as well as any perceived disapproval from moms regarding their friends.

Mothers who disapproved of friends inadvertently worsened their children’s behavior problems, results show.

“Imagine this scenario. A friendship ends because a mother prohibits it. Now the child needs a new friend. Who wants to be friends with someone who has an unpleasant, interfering mother?” Laursen said in a university news release.

“Chances are good that friend options are now quite limited and the child is forced to consider someone who also is rejected by peers; someone who has a hard time making friends,” Laursen added. “All too often, such children are disliked because they have behavior problems.”

“At the end of the day, interference in peer relationships may force the child to befriend a poorly adjusted classmate because they have no other alternatives,” Laursen concluded.

At that point, the kid will be under peer pressure to go along with their new friend’s disruptive behavior, Laursen said.

Loss of status among their classmates also will prompt the child to act out because they’re distressed and coping with rejection.

And matters will only get worse as rejected children are excluded from more and more social interactions with their classmates, Laursen said.

“Parents should consider positive alternatives to friend prohibition,” said Laursen. “Focus on maintaining positive relationships with children, because warmth and support can be effective buffers against troublesome peer pressure, potentially disrupting the downward spiral of peer problems and adjustment difficulties.”

More information

The American Psychological Association has more on helping kids navigate friendships.

SOURCE: Florida Atlantic University, news release, Sept. 4, 2024